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JRLBENEDICT

“When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.” — Ansel Adams

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Day 14. 11 Days to go before Christmas. Tea: Sleigh Ride (Fruit Infusion) The Rainy Day by Henry Longfellow The day is cold, and dark, and dreary; It rains, and the wind is never weary; The vine still clings to the mouldering wall, But at every gust the dead leaves fall, And the day is dark and dreary. My life is cold, and dark, and dreary; It rains, and the wind is never weary; My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past, But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast, And the days are dark and dreary. Be still, sad heart! and cease repining; Behind the clouds is the sun still shining; Thy fate is the common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary. *** I’m ending this day with a wonderful reminder that the dark clouds hide the sun, but it will eventually come out and shine. #24DaysofTea

Day 13. 12 Days to go before Christmas. Tea: Ginger Turmeric Tonic (Green Tea) Today, I was reminded of how surrounding oneself with people you love makes a huge difference. My doctor also reminded me that I would never be able to take any more photos, enjoy the outdoors, or experience food if I decided to fade away. That gave me enough encouragement to hold on and keep fighting for myself. The battle will be hard, and considering that I’m under medication, it won’t be the most pleasant couple of weeks. But I made a promise today to be strong and to ask for help when I feel like I can’t do it anymore. #24DaysofTea

Day 12. 13 Days to go before Christmas. Tea: Red Velvet Cake (Black Tea) Life and people will throw rocks at you, but you are built stronger and tougher. Whenever you feel like there’s nothing worth fighting for, think of the warmth of the sun, the smell of the evergreens, and the song of the birds, or whatever makes you happy. This is was my biggest takeaway from all this. I had an outpouring of support from people. I have never cried more in 24 hours that I have yesterday and today. It wasn’t because I was sad. It was because I was reminded of just how much love there is in the world. That helped me get through another day.

Day 11. 14 Days to go before Christmas. Tea: Snow Day (Herbal Infusion) This is not what I had planned for today’s post. I didn’t even want to post this here since I talked about it on day 7 of this series, but I have never felt more triggered to harm myself in the past six years. I can’t take suicidal thoughts off my head. I have become a walking, ticking time bomb. I have always put a good face on it mainly because I hate dragging people into my troubles. Also, I was raised in a culture where suicide, depression, and anxiety are signs of a cry for attention and weakness. Let’s face it, most Filipinos are in collective denial of the existence of this mental health disorder. I was lucky enough, though, that when I was at the University of the Philippines, I was able to acknowledge my state of mental wellbeing, get professional help, and learn to face it head on. I was also able to surround myself with people who understand the struggle and have supported me through and through. My anxiety level was at its peak last night when I got some bad news. Fortunately, I had a friend I was able to reach out to and express all that I was feeling. That helped a lot, but I still had negative thoughts this morning. It took a lot of will to get out of bed. I couldn’t concentrate in class. I couldn’t digest food. I found it so hard to breathe. I ended up walking for several hours around U of T amidst the chilling subzero temperature of Toronto just to stop myself from doing something stupid. I have to thank a stranger I met somewhere at Vic who upon seeing I was in distress, offered to take me to the Health and Wellness Centre. I didn’t get his name, but I’m very thankful. I hope to see him around soon to properly thank him. I also called my healthcare professional who was kind enough to squeeze me in for a meeting tomorrow because I expressed my fear of how unsettled I feel. I’ve been doing amazingly well for the past six years. I hate that I am plagued by a disease that creeps into my core, making me hate myself and the thought of living. Do I wanna talk about that here? Do I want to bare my soul to everyone? No. But if I don’t do it, I’m afraid of what I’ll do to myself.

Day 10. 15 Days to go before Christmas. Tea: Nutty & Spice (Oolong Tea) Whenever I’m going through a hard time in my life, I remind myself that there are people out there who have it worse than I do and somehow they’re managing to survive. I, at least, owe it to myself to do the same and soldier on. #24DaysofTea

Day 9. 16 Days to go before Christmas. Tea: White Cranberry Bark (Fruit Infusion) Someone told me a few moons past that if you don’t take a hold of your destiny, it will take a hold of you. This actually made me think about a quote that one of my old professors from back in the day used. It’s from Seneca the Younger and it goes, “Fate leads the willing and drags along the reluctant.” You see, the world will continue to revolve no matter what you do and don’t do. It won’t give you time to procrastinate or pause. Nor will it let care if you’re afraid or unwilling to do something. It will move on with or without you. I think the biggest take away from this is that you have the opportunity and the capability of shaping your own destiny. All you have to do is take that first step of asserting to yourself that you can do it and that you will do it. #24DaysofTea #Christmas

Day 8. 17 Days to go before Christmas. Tea: Zest Wishes (Oolong Tea) I think that a lot of people will agree that waiting for the right time is quite harrowing. I’m very patient when it comes to dealing with other people, but waiting for something to happen kills me at times. That leads me to act impulsively and, admittedly, stupidly in some instances. As much as I’m a fan of prolonged gratification, I’m also a sucker for instant bliss. It’s something that I’ve been trying to work on for the past couple of months, and I think I’ve done some progress, though I think I can do a lot better. And to quote one of my favourite writers, Paulo Coelho, “Life was always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act.” Indeed, if we wait for the right time, things will fall into place. #24DaysofTea

Day 7. 18 Days to go before Christmas. Tea: S’mores Chai (Pu’erh Tea) Trigger warning: this post talks about depression and suicide. I was hit by a tragic news late today. One of my friends tried to take his life because he couldn’t bear living with depression anymore. Just earlier this year, another friend took his life and it sent out a complete ripple effect in our group of friends to talk about depression and anxiety more. Like I always tell anyone who asks, I stopped talking about it because a lot of people don’t understand and don’t want to understand. A lot of people just dismiss it as a way of getting attention, but, like I always say, it’s not. It’s especially harder this time of the year. Christmastime can be the most joyful season but can also be the loneliest period in one’s year. I’m still in total shock and don’t really have the words to express how I feel so I’m just going to share an excerpt from a poem by Debbie Leads called ‘Struggling with Depression and Suicide - A Personal Perspective’. Days of endless struggle More hopeful pills today Trying to appear 'normal' In some sort of way. It seems that the struggle Is always here with me And I wouldn't be here now If guilt would leave me be I know there's been many Who've had it worse than I But that doesn't always mean That I wouldn't say good-bye People say I have a lot going for me I'm sorry, but I just can't see I can't see because my worst enemy Is not my life, but inside of me. *** Depression is never easy to deal with. Battling your own demons is the most exhausting thing ever. When it takes over, hope you have enough strength to beat it. #24DaysofTea #Christmas #depression #tea #DavidsTea

Day 6. 19 Days to go before Christmas. Tea: Forever Nuts When things don’t go as planned, we try to find someone or something to blame. It’s always easier to do that since admitting that we’re at fault is difficult. We tend to look for scapegoats to avoid taking responsibility for own actions. We never associate failure with the things that we do. That’s not to say that all the blame falls on us. What I’m saying here is that taking responsibility for our actions will help us grow. Even when events that are not under our direct control go awry, we have the ability to determine how we’re going to react to it. We can either look at it as a disaster or use it as an opportunity to learn. Like they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Better yet, make a lemonade empire out of it. #24DaysofTea #Christmas #tea #DavidsTea

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