Day 11. Fighting My Demons

Day 11. 14 Days to go before Christmas.

Tea: Snow Day (Herbal Infusion)

This is not what I had planned for today’s post. I didn’t even want to post this here since I talked about it on day 7 of this series, but I have never felt more triggered to harm myself in the past six years. I can’t take suicidal thoughts off my head. I have become a walking, ticking time bomb.

I have always put a good face on it mainly because I hate dragging people into my troubles. Also, I was raised in a culture where suicide, depression, and anxiety are signs of a cry for attention and weakness. Let’s face it, most Filipinos are in collective denial of the existence of this mental health disorder. I was lucky enough, though, that when I was at the University of the Philippines, I was able to acknowledge my state of mental wellbeing, get professional help, and learn to face it head on. I was also able to surround myself with people who understand the struggle and have supported me through and through.

My anxiety level was at its peak last night when I got some bad news. Fortunately, I had a friend I was able to reach out to and express all that I was feeling. That helped a lot, but I still had negative thoughts this morning.

It took a lot of will to get out of bed. I couldn’t concentrate in class. I couldn’t digest food. I found it so hard to breathe. I ended up walking for several hours around U of T amidst the chilling subzero temperature of Toronto just to stop myself from doing something stupid. I have to thank a stranger I met somewhere at Vic who upon seeing I was in distress, offered to take me to the Health and Wellness Centre. I didn’t get his name, but I’m very thankful. I hope to see him around soon to properly thank him. I also called my healthcare professional who was kind enough to squeeze me in for a meeting tomorrow because I expressed my fear of how unsettled I feel. I’ve been doing amazingly well for the past six years. I hate that I am plagued by a disease that creeps into my core, making me hate myself and the thought of living. Do I wanna talk about that here? Do I want to bare my soul to everyone? No. But if I don’t do it, I’m afraid of what I’ll do to myself.

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