Day 7. 18 Days to go before Christmas.

Tea: S’mores Chai (Pu’erh Tea)

Trigger warning: this post talks about depression and suicide.

I was hit by a tragic news late today. One of my friends tried to take his life because he couldn’t bear living with depression anymore. Just earlier this year, another friend took his life and it sent out a complete ripple effect in our group of friends to talk about depression and anxiety more. Like I always tell anyone who asks, I stopped talking about it because a lot of people don’t understand and don’t want to understand. A lot of people just dismiss it as a way of getting attention, but, like I always say, it’s not. It’s especially harder this time of the year. Christmastime can be the most joyful season but can also be the loneliest period in one’s year.

I’m still in total shock and don’t really have the words to express how I feel so I’m just going to share a poem by Debbie Leads called ‘Struggling with Depression and Suicide – A Personal Perspective’.

Days of endless struggle

More hopeful pills today

Trying to appear ‘normal’

In some sort of way.

It seems that the struggle

Is always here with me

And I wouldn’t be here now

If guilt would leave me be

I know there’s been many

Who’ve had it worse than I

But that doesn’t always mean

That I wouldn’t say good-bye

People say I have a lot going for me

I’m sorry, but I just can’t see

I can’t see because my worst enemy

Is not my life, but inside of me.

Always on a roller coaster,

Not much consistency

I’m nothing if I’m not up or down

I’m nothing if just ‘me.’

Very little energy

Wanting to stay in bed

Wishing to be enthusiastic

Instead of feeling like I’m made of lead.

Wanting to be excited

Wanting to care for more

But when nothing makes sense

It’s hard to focus on the poor.

Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking

It’s hard to keep in touch

With what is happening around me

And not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me

And that I can’t do anything right.

This is how I’ve felt my whole dang life

It didn’t just start last night.

No confidence, no self-esteem

Everybody else is right

To speak my mind is to be a fool

So I just try to ‘sit tight.’

Any one of these problems

Would be a heavy vice

But when you have them ALL

Living seems like a roll of the dice.

***

Depression is never easy to deal with. Battling your own demons is the most exhausting thing ever. When it takes over, hope you have enough strength to beat it.