I was at a party last week, and someone asked me if I had brought someone with me. That opened the door for this question: Why are you single? I didn’t answer it, but the question stayed in my mind for a few nights, and that’s the reason why I’m writing this.
Today, I’m opening up about something. I’m opening my heart to everyone who reads this. So here goes the 13 reasons why I shouldn’t date anyone.
1. I’m an overthinker.
I hate myself for overthinking things. For making everything more complicated than they already are.
2. I’m a hopeless romantic.
I romanticise every single text, phone call, and conversation. I romanticise every single kiss, touch, and embrace. I’ve always had this idea that I’ll meet “the one” in a bookstore, or a theatre, or the train and that some force of nature would bring us together.
This is also the reason why…
3. I get attached too quickly.
As if I haven’t had enough heartbreaks in my lifetime already. The problem with me is that I fall too fast. Go out with me for tea, see a movie with me, compliment me—do something nice for me—and for sure, I’ll be falling for you in a heartbeat.
That’s also probably because…
4. I’m an Easy J.
You know that Emma Stone movie called Easy A? Yeah, I feel like her. Except that she wasn’t really a slut. I think I am even though people tell me that I’m not.
5. I confused sex with love.
There’s this song by Pansy Division entitled “Luv Luv Luv”. The whole song is about people thinking that sex equates with love. I’m not saying that the two can’t exist together. Sexual chemistry and intimacy are as equally important as a solid emotional bond. The problem with me was that since I’m a romantic and an Easy J, I thought having sex with someone would fulfil me emotionally, and that it meant the other person loved me.
I used the word “confuse” in the past tense because I’ve recently realised that I was wrong, and I need to grow up and stop thinking that life will always have a fairytale romantic ending.
6. I’m always in a fragile emotional state that rejections make me feel so unloved and unwanted.
I know that the other person is not doing it intentionally (or maybe they are), but it just makes me really depressed when they don’t respond right away. I hate having to wait for a text or a call. The anticipation kills me every single time.
7. I’m terrified of being alone and not having someone in my life.
That constant fear of being by myself is stopping me from building relationships because I tend to think of all the things that could go wrong.
I think this stems from the reason that…
8. I can be on both sides of the spectrum.
I can either be a total optimist or an extreme pessimist. Like I said earlier, I’m a hopeless romantic so there are moments when I think that everything is going to fall into their right places and that I’d be happy for the rest of my life. Then there are those times when I just feel completely negative about everything. It’s very unhealthy.
9. I have a hard time opening up.
This is one of those few times when I totally exposed my vulnerability. I’ve always been cautious about letting people see what I’m really feeling because I despised being weak and perceived as such. But over the past few years, I’ve learned to accept my shortcomings and my imperfections and love myself. Still, it’s not enough to make me feel comfortable about totally letting someone into my life.
10. I was once left hanging and heartbroken.
I didn’t like that feeling. Things were going well, and then that person you’re showering with your love and affection just decides to end things without even giving you a proper explanation would totally crush your heart. I don’t want to go through that feeling again.
11. I hate having the “what-am-i-to-you” conversation.
When someone does come along and stay with me for a while, I tend to screw things up when it’s time to have that conversation. I don’t like having to do it because what if I don’t like what I’ll hear? What if that person only sees me as a hookup or a short-term relationship prospect? So many what ifs.
12. I’m a masochist.
I enjoy being treated well and being treated wrong. Of course I love it when someone’s being sweet and nice to me. But for some reason, I also don’t mind if someone treats me bad. I guess I just like to inflict pain on myself because I have a very low opinion of myself.
Which leads us to…
13. Most importantly, I don’t trust myself and have the confidence.
It’s frustrating me to think that the only thing that’s getting in the way of my happiness is myself. I always think that I don’t look good enough or that I’m smart or funny enough for someone. I don’t think that I deserve someone great because I would never amount to their greatness.
Truth is I’m a coward. I’m too scared and weak to let anyone in. It makes me feel so racked with guilt to ask someone to be in a relationship with me if I know that I have all these issues. I know I have to work through all these before I start to date again. Only then can I start my path to happiness.
“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
– Lucille Ball